96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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