Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
