Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
