Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
