Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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