I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
