I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
