Did I show you my penis last night?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
