Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
