dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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