Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
All I want is dick and wine.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
