Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
