I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
