not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
