Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize