Umm I'm too high to move.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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