i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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