Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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