he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
