She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
