He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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