Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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