I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
