if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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