This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
COCAINE IS GR8
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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