Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
