new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
