i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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