I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
