Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
