i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
