I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
