Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
