I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
