There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
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