Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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