Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
