Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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