i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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