if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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