She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
