Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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