I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize