i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
