Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
