dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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