it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
