ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
