I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
