I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize