His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
