i think my tv is drunk
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
