I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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