im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
